Last Post of 2013 and This Blog

Well I haven’t updated since forever so it’s not like people miss me but…

I actually have a list for things I wanna write about this post so wow for the first time I plan out a thing I will write and it happens to be my last post. Oh irony.

Tiny Update Blurb: A whole bunch of shit went down with my friends and I’m not sure how much of it is fixed. Someone who somehow had a crush on me asked me out sometime ago and I said yes and I’m not sure what our relationship is at the moment like friend or more than friend idek man. I restarted writing in my diary to an extent. My grades don’t suck this term, and they’re higher than what they were in grade 10 which does impress me. My mom’s trying to kill me by signing me up to a lot of things so that I have no time to go on internet to relax.

That whole blurb was both an update and my reasons for deciding to abandon my blog.

See, I need to pay more attention to my friends and now that I have some (and that’s thanks to this blog actually but whatever) I don’t need to write on my blog because I could talk about my problems to them. Also the new friendboy needs to be invested in time-wise I suppose so that groups up together.

The blog was almost replacing the diary for me when I got more invested in it, except unlike my diary I was leaving out details because people I don’t know may read this shit and be weirded out. Now that I went oldschool again with the whole paper and pen thing… I don’t need the blog anymore. Also this way I don’t need to leave out details of stuff when writing.

My grades are good this term because I’m working hard. I’m telling people that I’m really not working that much, but I lie to them to make myself feel smarter. Truth is, International Baccalaureate is hard shit and I feel challenged and I need to study and do my homework to get a good grade. Trouble comes when I procrastinate. A blog ain’t gonna help here then. I wanna keep my grades high and make some of my grades (chem at a 92 and history at a 93 esp) even higher (they both need to go up to a 95).

And…

My mom. She’s just absolutely infuriating as usual. She’s trying to remove me away from computer and make me more social through emotional and verbal abuse, and because of her I cry nearly every day, and I know it’s an incredible opportunity to have your mom sign you up to shit like swimming but god she’s taking away every single minute I have to escape from family. She signed my sister up to skating lessons on the days I volunteer at the ice rink so I can’t escape her there anymore. She took away my Sundays for lifeguarding. My Wednesdays are already gone for choir; as much as choir is my choice and still escape it’s taking away time from me being able to go on the internet and relax. Thursdays will also be gone. Mondays and Tuesdays will need to be filled with homework. Plus family’s working on doing shit like skiing together every weekend. I have no time to hang out with friends or go on tumblr, let alone write entries.

It’s been infuriating especially this break. I have a lot of homework from a few classes, but the majority of my time is being occupied by sports that scare me, or family activities where I get mocked and bullied by people who say that I should love them because we’re genetically very very similar. Plus I have my low attention span, and I wanna go on the internet to rest. I haven’t gotten anything done yet of course, and I haven’t even gotten to hang out with my friends. And then my family tell me that’s because I have no friends, even though they added so many things to my schedule this break and made it so unpredictable that I have no time to plan stuff with them anyways.

Over the term I got 9 hours of sleep a night at the beginning and that gradually got lower down to 7. I told myself that was fine because I would catch up with sleep over break. What instead happened was that now I get 6 hours of sleep a night. This is because I go on the internet for so long after a physically and emotionally exhausting day spent with people I absolutely hate. My idea of sleeping in is a 9 am wake up, and I often stay up till 2 am trying to refresh mentally and rebuild my self esteem and convince myself to not drink the entire bottle of bleach or PineSol or whatever cleaning product we have in the bathroom.

Anyways…

I’m not deleting my blog because I wanna read these later. These are like diary entries as I said, so it will be interesting.

Occasionally I will update my life on tumblr in tiny text posts or readmores probably.

blugh

did i mention how i actually got into the habit of typing like this in the past month because ive been mostly using skype and tumblr tags to write shit?

i probably didnt

because wow its sorta shameful tbh

Happy 2014 everyone

And mostly me. I want a happy 2014. I want my family to stop tormenting me. I want financial security because I will need money for college in less than 2 years. Wow what am I gonna do. I wanna get out of here.

Syren

 

Sunrise

I haven’t had a proper chat with Dawn since my dad came. I’m not saying it’s my dad’s fault but…

I need a fucking scapegoat because I feel like a shit friend. 

I’m not sure how to describe my relationship with her. We’re too close to be simply friends, too opposite to be best friends, too geographically far apart to be “significant others” plus theres the whole syrens totally aro and only two thirds sure shes not straight thing, and too unrelated by blood to be long lost sisters. Or that’s how I perceive it anyways. My perceptions have been wrong though; they often are. 

Anyways, I haven’t been able to talk to her properly since the night of my school concert, and then the next day my dad arrived to town. My phone has decided to be a dick and simply never ever alert me about text messages ever again, so I will go through my day and then look at my phone and there will be 20 ignored texts from me that I could have responded to on time if only my phone were not bitching about!!! Also she’s online-but-not-online on skype, and then sometimes it’s late so I say I gotta go to sleep but then decide to check tumblr one last time and before I know it I’m sinking into my dash and 40 minutes later she’s signed off and I could have talked to her for 40 more minutes but instead I was stupid; and sometimes ..!!!!

Idk I just don’t know how to react to her conversations anymore!!

Like, usually we talk to each other about our lives and offer each other advice and affirmations, but ever since Halloween I seem to have forgotten how to do either. It makes me feel indecent, because I should have reactions other than simply feeling sad or happy or angry; I should have deeper reactions because that shows that I care and I do care but I don’t remember how to react to things anymore!! 

I really hope she doesn’t think I am bored with her. And I really hope she isn’t bored of me. 

I don’t think she’d be bored of me, I’ve proven to be interesting enough if I’m any fair judge, but she might hate me because of how disinterested I seem to be, but it’s only because having so many adults to watch out for around the house tires me out and I have a bullfuckton of homework things to do and I am a fucking idiot who doesn’t know how to turn on a stupid notification for her texts!!

J would be ashamed of me for the technological failure that I am, though I think my new tumblr avatar with the black lipstick and my newly returned shameless obsession with Britney Spears songs is disappointing enough for him that I couldn’t possibly sink any lower. 

Have I also been a shitty friend to J? I mean he’s not like Dawn where I need his feelings about everything and have extensive contact info about him and know as much about him as he does about me, but I’d rather not be a shitty friend to him either. Then again he’s not like Dawn in the sense that you could have anywhere from 2 seconds to 40 minutes between his last message and your reply, and depending on what stage of whatever god awful nerd thing he’s doing he won’t start bombarding the chat for answer requests and/or passive aggressive song lyrics until he feels like you haven’t been paying him enough attention. 

In real life terms, J is like that weird cousin with whom you occasionally go to a bar or something, whereas Dawn is like your best friend since forever with whom you share secrets with and have sleepovers all the time. ((I guess that makes Uli the person your cousin knows pretty well who also happens to be the barista at the place that you meet your cousin at. Or maybe the DJ. My weird analogies are pretty flex.))

Point is, I will talk to Dawn. 

Properly talk to her. Really soon. My dad’s leaving on the 10th and then I’ll have more flexibility again. Until then I’m sort of stuck. It’s ok though. I will also fix my fucking phone. Yes.

And I will find the original arrangement for the christmas song that we will sing in choir. It’s based on a Russian folk song and so far I love the melody and I hope I will get cool harmonies. 

Anyways, I give my Syren’s Honour that I will talk to her and be able to react properly. 

Syren

I’m Doing This To Procrastinate On My History Essay Outline

Its due in a week and let’s face it half my class ain’t gonna start this thing for the next six days, and three quarters of the left over will push it as far as past midnight on the 30th and pull an all nighter finishing it off. 

I am incredibly afraid of falling into that pattern of leaving stuff to the last minute, but I really don’t want to do anything about it. 

Currently things I have to do for academic subjects in a list of highest importance (which is very dependent on urgency) includes: preparing for the chem lab tomorrow by creating a data table, start and finish the English assignment due Monday related to the graphic novel we’re reading, finish my history essay outline due wednesday, study for monday’s biology quiz by completing the notes packages, redo a bunch of labs I should have completed for bio class last year, teach myself a bunch of French shit on my own time because my teacher thinks the best way to teach us French is to pile us with French stuff to read and writing tests without teaching us shit like, um idk, how to form a fucking sentence

Currently things I have to do for Creativity-Action-Service related shit: learn the music and body percussion for the evening choir, go ice skating on Fridays and not care about the variable of the presence or lack thereof of a certain person, go volunteering to the ice arena on weekends, find more proper sports to do for CAS and find a way to fit them all in my currently packed schedule, practice piano for a set amount of time per week. 

Currently things I have to do for personal reasons: Finish planning my halloween costume, find a job, study for the drivers license exams before my birthday comes up in March, clean up my room, get a fairly active social life outside of the internet, go shopping, not piss off my mom, read John Green novels, start or catch up on a multitude of TV shows as well as podcasts **cough** WTNV, read and in some cases reread Elif Şafak novels for Extended Essay prep, reread Alamut, read young adult fantasy and Sci-Fi things, compose songs, find a religion and practice to stick with, create a language and alphabet, still do shit like read fanfiction. 

God dammit.  

I want the top list to be gone and the second list to be half gone. 

I could handle a workload only filled with optional things. 

God dammit. 

Whatever. 

On other news I wish I was genuinely hot. Hot as in I wish stupid mindless straight boys felt really hard around me and I could actually get what I wanted by looking the way I do. What I wanted meaning sex. 

Wait thats not news I’ve wanted that since forever.

Sorry bad update.

I should write more often.

Whatever I will go procrastinate on history by doing bio. 

Syren

Fashion

Recently I had two one and a half breakdowns over philosophy. I don’t mean just over the test that I had today and completely botched; I mean the pondering of philosophical questions put me into a legitimate breakdown state. I broke down crying in my room for 45 minutes on Monday because I wanted to stop caring about these “deep questions” and I didn’t know the use and yet these questions occupy so much of my time and I never get a clear answer. 

And then I almost got one today in English.

Funny thing is when I started out this post 2 hours ago and then left to do something else 1 hour 58 minutes ago I had a clear idea in mind about how I would transition this thing about my sort of existential crises to “feminine things that are more relevant than stuff like why we exist, assuming we in fact do exist and bring meaning to life ourselves rather than having a single pre designed objective purpose.”

Fuck my head hurts just from typing that sentence. 

J and I were skyping and he asked me to distract him from his current woes and so I went on a monologue about how small and terrible my house is and made a smooth as fuck transition to fashion. It was so fucking smooth I don’t know how I did it. 

My transitions are lacking quite a bit. Funny thing is this post was semi-planned and usually I write better with freeform-y things.

But I talked about fashion, and here’s the thing. 

People don’t make it a secret that they find what I wear “tacky and weird”. I’m not talking on the internet like as far as internet goes my weird clothes are cool, but “outernet”. Nothing I wear ever seems to satisfy other people, and I used to be really self conscious of that. Now I don’t really care. Why?

Because clothing is simultaneously essential protection, armor, costume, and art. 

Thats what I consider my outfits. 

I wear clothes because this weather is too cold and wet to not have it, and I’d rather not expose myself to contamination by being in the nude. 

At the same time, I wear certain colours and fabrics and combinations and accessories and makeup to get into a certain character who invokes certain feelings in other people. 

Sometimes I want them to admire me, other times I want them to feel sorry for me, and yet other times I want them to leave me alone. 

Sometimes I want to look aggressive, other times soft, and other times bright. 

Sometimes I use certain accessories to symbolise things I care about, and only I understand what they symbolise. 

And I really wish I understood fashion at a deeper level. I wish I understood certain stereotypical images and where and why they originated. 

I used to think “fashion” was a really shallow thing to care about, but now I don’t think that. 

I mean, I suppose I’m talking about “style” here rather, but you get what I mean…

I want to straighten my hair and try pig tail it for a few days. I have an hour or so to do a bunch of shit ok.

Syren

After watching “Doctor Horrible’s Sing Along Blog” I feel I should write this post addressing my feelings.

I’m addressing my feelings. On a blog. That I have written on since I was 14. Totally new and absolutely shocking I know. Following up with this trend of originality I will talk for anywhere between 200 to 1573 words about my life, boys, my mostly self contained and even more mostly self directed angst, wishes in life, and sexual desperation.

Now let’s drop the sarcasm and talk about boys. This is a sleepover and I’m the 10 year old girl whose house we’re all at.

Checking back with my blog, apparently I did talk about the guy with the really deep voice from musical theatre club and how I somehow ended up getting his number. I joked around about it with Dawn and J over skype about how my dick game is too dope and whatever but to be honest he’s just a new kid whose only Canada friends are other international exchange students and an actual “Canadian™” being interested in him enough to exchange conversation with him (and also take a picture of him so that he could snapchat his sister) stoked up his ego. Or he was so desperately lonely and too much of an extrovert to not ask for my number.

Anyways I told my skype friends that I actually regularly chat with about him and J made fun of his name and then was like “when will you call him” knowing I have phone anxiety or maybe he forgot honestly I don’t blame him I’m pretty good at covering it up while on skype even though phone-like conversations terrify me. I think he just wanted a subject change when asking me about the guy but then I was like “FINE I WILL FUCKING TEXT HIM OR SOMETHING I PROMISE I’LL DO IT FUCKING NOW.”

And then I typed out a lame text and erased the whole fucking thing. Then I said I texted him and he didn’t respond because honestly which one is less humiliating. Like, I’m supposed to be the brave one. I say I will do shit and I get it done. I suck up my fears and do things anyways.

I call random numbers that people sent me over the internet even though I’m terrified of phones and I’m not sure what will happen in the end. It ends up ruining my life and then I get sent to Saskatoon during the last week of summer and decide to quit IB and decide against it but the point is not that my launchiness is bad its that I am a launchy person. 

I don’t think if I had sent him a text we would have some incredibly lively conversation about puppies and Germany anyways. The real world isn’t like the internet where you keep conversations going because you know the person on the other hand is similar to you. The real world is a hard place because you can’t expect to make great friends from sharing your secrets with total strangers while cursing like a sailor. As Dawn once said… “If I knew you in real life I would be too scared to talk to you.”

Admittedly she also added “You’re way too cool for a person like me, you wouldn’t even consider talking to someone like me so I wouldn’t talk to you.”Dawn you’d be surprised.

I was gonna keep this to myself other than telling the Skype babies, because another real life thing is that you don’t know what people’s reactions will be and no matter what they are they sort of hurt. Like I remember one of my friends somehow finding out that another friend of ours had a boyfriend over in Norway Finland? Iceland and then she teased her a little about it and the rest of us sorta joined along and I think she was getting really uncomfortable but wasn’t gonna say anything so after a while I kept trying to change the subject but I’m not very good at that IRL either so at one point I thought to myself “at least y’all don’t know about the white kid I skype with a lot” but I said it out loud so then someone said “omg you also have a skype boyfriend lol” and it was meant to be a joke but it hurt because I couldn’t even get a skype boyfriend let alone an actual person I could do fun body things with. Also it feels weird to me to think of J as anything other than a dudebro like the day I told my skype babies about the guy that this post was supposed to be about Dawn joked saying “syren I think J likes you :D” and I genuinely got weirded out like “ew fucking incest no hetero for you at least.”

Anyways I was gonna keep the news about how I got a dude’s cell number after not knowing him at all basically but it was a little too comical so I mentioned to one of my friends that “I somehow accidentally went ice skating with that tall dude from musical theatre.”

And he was like “He’s also in choir that one?” and I was like “yeah he’s the German dude.”

And then our other friend was like “Is he the one with the deep voice?” and I nodded like “hell yeah I want him to read me a bedtime story and maybe my own blog posts like in his voice I’m sure murder threats would sound beautiful” but I didn’t say any of that god bless.

Then she was like “AHH HE”S CUTEEE” and… And I got pissed, I don’t know. I got angry. Embarrassing, but perfectly natural. So then I said “I got his number” really quietly so that only I would hear. Meanwhile the people around us were like “which one? wait is he in that class with me? who the fuck you talking about? oh he’s in my french class ok he’s very tall.”

The conversation got shut down by the girl who simply said “He seems gay.”

Ok I trust this girl’s radar for many reasons, but like… I still…

It’s not wrong to wish someone liked you, you know. And I keep trying to tell myself that.

It’s also not wrong to admit that you actually find a person hotter than someone else might. It’s not a cause of embarrassment if you find a person really hot and someone else thinks they’re ugly and a third person is indifferent.  ((He’s totally a 7.4 out of 10 as far as hotness goes. I’m at 5. Even if everyone thinks I’m much lower.))

It’s not wrong to wish someone liked you, or be mad when you’re afraid a third person has more of a shot or desperately hope someone’s usually perfect gay-dar is fucking wrong for once.

Basically I’ve been feeling miserable over some white boy since lunch time.

I swear if I were a female character in a popular work of fiction from this particular universe my character would be reduced to the girl who always finds a new white guy to obsess over. But this white guy has a tiny bit of a tan and isn’t like a fucking ghost so I should think that’s an improvement.

I sometimes forget that J occasionally reads my blog, Dawn reads it on a regular basis, and the person whose gaydar I want to crash for just this one person used to read it and I don’t know anymore but probably not.

If we just added the guy I’m talking about we can have a full party.

This felt really fucking good to write.

1289 words including these ones.

Syren 

 

 

I Dropped Writing

I have reasons for this.

Being an IB student means you learn less than AP kids, do more homework than AP kids, get harder tests than AP kids, and then you have equal chance with AP kids to get into universities if you have the same grade as AP kids. 

So you ain’t gonna get shit done if you have a 10 o’clock bedtime and a 7 am wake-up and you can’t have lights on between those hours. BS is what that’s called. 

But my mom is stupid so I dropped writing to have time for homework. 

No one else has a spare during this time though…

Also I don’t think I have mentioned how a guy with really cool deep voice from musical theatre and choir and other school clubs was at ice skating on Friday and I now have an extra motivation to go skating even though guy’s probably slightly scared of me because I’m so loud all the time :((

I got his number

Till next time,

Syren

I think I’m getting into a cutesy pastel phase

So all this started when Jay told me my tumblr theme was stupid.

Or when I decided I have been “the same sort of person” for too lonf. 

Actually roll the fuck back to August when my headphones broke because that’s where this starts. And then Jay called my tumblr theme “stupid and inefficient. Also it doesn’t show tags properly. Your side bar takes too much attention. And that gif there is stupid it keeps looping. You don’t have endless scroll so I have to click buttons to switch between parts of your blog and I don’t like that. The background is too dark and so is the shade of red you use. Also your flag counter is pretentious.”

Imagine that whole thing with spelling and grammar mistakes in Skype speech format from a 16 year old with too many expectations and a drab as fuck blog. Like, motherfucker you’re just jealous because I got more flags than you. And that stupid gif as you may call it is from [S] Cascade which is iconic for the Homestuck, and gif files loop thats their point. The sidebar was big and flashy because that’s the fucking point I want people to remember that my tumblr is basically a shrine for myself and that sidebar is basically the single easiest way to describe me physically. Also I happen to like that shade of red and my background is a picture of a statue that’s literally a block away from where I live and not like a picture of Mars’s surface. 

Then again he had a point. Or many points. A lot of points. As inexcusable as his obsession with grayness in his own blog may be, he had a point. So I did the logical and adult thing.

And called him a fucking art nerd. 

And then a couple weeks later I bought a pair of really cool headphones because I really needed to update them. I went to the mall with my sister and while I was looking at all of them to see which one would be the most ideal and cover my ears well look pretty and then my sister pointed me at this one that was ok priced so I bought it. 

It’s bubblegum pink and cotton candy blue and has a really nice fit and flat cables and makes me feel like I’m surrounded by sound and this girl in my class actually tried it because they looked really fluffy “like cotton candy clouds” and she was like “wow I like the sound of it” so there was that.

So then at home I was really happy about it and I went on tumblr at some point and saw some fashion posts of cute sweaters and then I realized “I really need to change myself I have been the same person for too long I need a change of phase.” 

Obviously the logical thing to do when giving yourself a semi temporary personality makeover is to go and search for a new tumblr theme. This time I went partly by a need to pastel up and partly listening to Jay’s sort of bullshit advice.

Currently my theme is a lot brighter and very toned down for the person I am. 

I also ended up switching school bags which is a big step for me. I have to consider other things still, like what sort of clothes I wanna wear and my note taking style (which actually has been changed) and pen colour I’m using now considering I want less red now. 

If I can finish my homework on Friday and do my volunteering stuff on Saturday I can probably go clothes shopping on Sunday.

Oh my god what is happening to me

Syren